I Don't Know What To Call This Post.

I don't remember if I've used either of these lines/dialogues previously but they're some of my favourite lines of all time and particularly relevant today.

1. "Kuch logon ke saath bas waqt bitaane se sab kuch sahi ho jaata hai." - Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani

2. "Where you go in life always turns upon the choices you make when you want to give up the most." - A wise, old man I know.

Today, after all these days, I want to give up. So badly. On all of it. This entire endeavour, everything involved in it, every single bit of it. Projects, exams, essays, articles, posts, internships, relationships. I just want to forget everything and go. Go on a road trip without having a destination in mind. Go without having to worry about hurting someone, fulfilling obligations, meeting expectations. Go because I want to do it.

But I can't.

Gah.

Inferno.

It's there. I can see it. The light at the end of the tunnel. It's faint and I'm not quite sure how far it is or how long it'll take to get there. But I can see the faint rays trying desperately to creep in through the darkness, lighting up the dust particles in that beautiful way that they always do. The dust is far from settled yet. And it probably won't be for a long while. But as I've realised, there's a value to knowing that it eventually will.

Surprisingly enough, I seem to have a figured a way to channelise this intensity. It's a strange kind of strength that one derives, the kind that makes you unsure of whether you can rely upon it entirely. But I've decided that I'm going to take the chance and test the waters. Utilise the intensity to chase other things and paint a picture where someday, the intensity will find its rightful place. It's either that or get consumed by it. So no thank you, I pick the former.

The other thing that I have also decided is that I am going to go back into commando mode. None of this whimpering nonsense, we're going to blaze right through this. It's the only way out.

Game on, bitches.

This Is Just The Beginning.

The crossroads are no longer there. The path is certain.

In a way, it's better. At least the uncertainty is gone, even though the certainty it brought is of the worst kind. The kind that hits you in the face. The kind that leaves you feeling battered. The kind that makes you feel lost.

This has been coming a while and I almost knew it. Hoped against it, but knew it nevertheless. So it's not much of a surprise really. Perhaps that's why it hasn't hit me fully yet. Or maybe it never will. Not for a while at least. Maybe this will be one of those things that you think about when you're old and jobless. Or maybe it will be one of those things that they show in the movies, which sorts itself out when you least expect it (except it's never really like the movies, is it?). Or maybe it will be much easier than I can even fathom right now. Who knows.

But one thing is for sure. This is just the beginning. And it's going to flow for a while. And there's nothing to do but submit to it, let it take me where it will. Sometimes, maybe, even an illusion of a choice is better than knowing there is none. :)

Crossroads.

It feels strangely apt. As though this should be happening right about now. And there's a strange method to this madness. Order to the chaos. Calmness, even in the turbulence.

And even more strangely, it's exciting. Terrifying, nerve-wrecking but so, so exciting. It's like that feeling before a storm when you know it's coming but you feel like you've never been more ready for it. Ready to embrace it with open arms.

It's difficult to contain it, really. There's so much to be said, so much to be done. And yet, the wait seems endless. There are times when it all seems to be falling into place and then there are others when the bubble bursts and you feel like you're back to square one. They always say, "life has something in store for everyone. You just have to wait for your chance and see". Some days you keep the faith, some days you lose it. But this is just one of those days when you don't know.

Don't know where this is going, don't know where you're headed, don't know what life has in store for you or if it even has anything in store. And yet, you can feel it.

The next 20 days are going to change life, the way I currently know it, forever. In more ways than one. And it's a scary prospect. And as much as I may brace myself for it, the impact is going to be deep.

Choices. Joy. Conversations. More choices. Sorrow. Change. Old friends. New beginnings. Or not?

I guess this is why they call them crossroads.