I Don't Know What To Call This Post.

I don't remember if I've used either of these lines/dialogues previously but they're some of my favourite lines of all time and particularly relevant today.

1. "Kuch logon ke saath bas waqt bitaane se sab kuch sahi ho jaata hai." - Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani

2. "Where you go in life always turns upon the choices you make when you want to give up the most." - A wise, old man I know.

Today, after all these days, I want to give up. So badly. On all of it. This entire endeavour, everything involved in it, every single bit of it. Projects, exams, essays, articles, posts, internships, relationships. I just want to forget everything and go. Go on a road trip without having a destination in mind. Go without having to worry about hurting someone, fulfilling obligations, meeting expectations. Go because I want to do it.

But I can't.

Gah.

Inferno.

It's there. I can see it. The light at the end of the tunnel. It's faint and I'm not quite sure how far it is or how long it'll take to get there. But I can see the faint rays trying desperately to creep in through the darkness, lighting up the dust particles in that beautiful way that they always do. The dust is far from settled yet. And it probably won't be for a long while. But as I've realised, there's a value to knowing that it eventually will.

Surprisingly enough, I seem to have a figured a way to channelise this intensity. It's a strange kind of strength that one derives, the kind that makes you unsure of whether you can rely upon it entirely. But I've decided that I'm going to take the chance and test the waters. Utilise the intensity to chase other things and paint a picture where someday, the intensity will find its rightful place. It's either that or get consumed by it. So no thank you, I pick the former.

The other thing that I have also decided is that I am going to go back into commando mode. None of this whimpering nonsense, we're going to blaze right through this. It's the only way out.

Game on, bitches.

This Is Just The Beginning.

The crossroads are no longer there. The path is certain.

In a way, it's better. At least the uncertainty is gone, even though the certainty it brought is of the worst kind. The kind that hits you in the face. The kind that leaves you feeling battered. The kind that makes you feel lost.

This has been coming a while and I almost knew it. Hoped against it, but knew it nevertheless. So it's not much of a surprise really. Perhaps that's why it hasn't hit me fully yet. Or maybe it never will. Not for a while at least. Maybe this will be one of those things that you think about when you're old and jobless. Or maybe it will be one of those things that they show in the movies, which sorts itself out when you least expect it (except it's never really like the movies, is it?). Or maybe it will be much easier than I can even fathom right now. Who knows.

But one thing is for sure. This is just the beginning. And it's going to flow for a while. And there's nothing to do but submit to it, let it take me where it will. Sometimes, maybe, even an illusion of a choice is better than knowing there is none. :)

Crossroads.

It feels strangely apt. As though this should be happening right about now. And there's a strange method to this madness. Order to the chaos. Calmness, even in the turbulence.

And even more strangely, it's exciting. Terrifying, nerve-wrecking but so, so exciting. It's like that feeling before a storm when you know it's coming but you feel like you've never been more ready for it. Ready to embrace it with open arms.

It's difficult to contain it, really. There's so much to be said, so much to be done. And yet, the wait seems endless. There are times when it all seems to be falling into place and then there are others when the bubble bursts and you feel like you're back to square one. They always say, "life has something in store for everyone. You just have to wait for your chance and see". Some days you keep the faith, some days you lose it. But this is just one of those days when you don't know.

Don't know where this is going, don't know where you're headed, don't know what life has in store for you or if it even has anything in store. And yet, you can feel it.

The next 20 days are going to change life, the way I currently know it, forever. In more ways than one. And it's a scary prospect. And as much as I may brace myself for it, the impact is going to be deep.

Choices. Joy. Conversations. More choices. Sorrow. Change. Old friends. New beginnings. Or not?

I guess this is why they call them crossroads.

Epiphany!

As the title suggests, I just had the most epic epiphany ever (I really wanted to say that):

Blogs are like relationships. Or the reverse. (It's really a chicken and egg type of situation, if you know what I mean?)

But think about it. When you first start-up a blog, there's that frenzied passion. That need to constantly revisit and rework things, little tweaks here and there, to make sure it seems just perfect. That compulsion to go back every day, write, even if just a little. Change that one word that just doesn't seem to fit in. That smile brought on by a well-written post, the joy of that first comment.

Gradually, as you settle down, the blog becomes just another regular feature in your routine, something that must be done, more out of habit than anything else. Every once in a while, there'll be that comment that'll make your day but that's about it. Too many posts, too many comments, eh. Who'll bother to keep track. But somewhere there is still that comfort, that sense of belonging, that feeling of reassurance that only old things can provide. And on your worst days, it's the only thing that seems to make a difference. An outlet for your anger, a vent for your frustration and above all, the relief of being able to express yourself without being judged.

And then the cracks start to appear. Days of writing missed for other, more interesting things. Just a few days at first, and then gradually weeks, months, maybe even years.

Except it is at this point that the two diverge like the fork in a path. Relationships, taking that road much travelled, end. Clean break or messy ending, lingering feelings of love or ones of extreme disgust, it's all part of the package. Blogs, on the other hand, are more forgiving, more understanding. Just when you think you're beyond redemption, they reel you back in. You can pick up right from where you left off. No questions asked. A fresh start each time.

This is particularly amusing to me because I'd almost reached the last stage, the cracks seemingly getting wider every day. And just as I thought I would become one of those people whose last post dates more than a year back, I had this epiphany. I guess there's another thing that blogs and relationships share in common then - their unpredictability!

Fresh Air

I've been thinking of getting this blog up and running again for a while now. But then I figured I keep doing this whole going away thing way too often to actually keep up with it. So I decided eh, let's just write. Who cares if I write once in a week or in a year? Have thoughts, put 'em down. Zimple. :)

In other things, for the first time since I came to Law School, I'm feeling like I understand this madness. Wait, let me correct that, beginning to understand this madness. Ironically enough, "the debacle" (Yes, that's what I've decided to call it, no questions asked.) seems to have given a much needed push to many things. For the first time in three years, I feel happy. More so, unburdened. For the first time, I feel like I'm doing what I want to without fear/worry/anxiety/pressure/anything else under the sun, clouding my judgement. For the first time since school, I wake up everyday and appreciate the beautiful mornings again (Yes, I'm being gay). And now that my head is clear, I realise that there is SO, so much to do and in all this time, I've barely, just about barely, scratched the surface. There's so much to read, think about, experience. There are no worries about work waiting to be finished (some of which seems absolutely useless in retrospect), no pain about incomplete conversations and unsaid things, no fear of losing myself. Just joy. Pure, unbridled joy. And it's making me want to write again. Everyday, all the time. About life, the law,  myself, dreams, future plans, everything! I suddenly feel like this oversized bubble (No, the reference wasn't meant to be physical :P) waiting to burst and forge a path through all the chaos. So let's get crackin, folks!

And before I go, here's wishing Happy B'day to a very special person. 16 years of knowing you has only made me love you more. And I must've done something right in life to deserve a friend like you. Happy 21st, AT. You're my forever types. :)

Indie Love.

Too much of it is happening. Beirut, fun. and Fanfarlo. WHAT bands. Damn, too much brilliance. And much happy!

Yes, I've taken to writing like that.

Also, I think short posts are so much awesome-r than those long, broody ones. Hmm.